Books, Uncategorized

A Twisted Conversation

Me: The movie was based on Tennessee Williams’ “The Glass Menagerie”.

She: Really?

Me: You did not know that? It is hard to know whether you are being sarcastic or not, because you studied Literature in college. I did not like “The Glass Menagerie” even while reading. I do not like such plays. People want to feel superior to the crippled Laura Wingfield. I do not understand such people. But, still, it is an Ayn Rand-ian concept which I do not buy completely. She liked the play “Cyrano De Bergerac”.

She: I studied Communicative English—-not literature. I do not think that they lead such miserable lives. I knew a guy who could not walk well. But, he was confident and secure. I never felt sorry for him, or thought him to be any lesser than me. In fact, for a long time it never occurred to me that he is a disabled person. See, this song has a nice rhythm to it. You listen, and discard. Doesn’t stay with you!

Me: Just like some people. We know them well only when the time comes. It injects a sense of reality! I am wary of people who play power games these days no matter how nice they are to me otherwise.

She: I don’t think that deep. I thought it was fairly obvious that I liked you. It is a little unnerving that you remember everything I say. Sometimes I speak without thinking much. I hope you don’t read too much into what I say!

Me: Why do you hope that? You should hope that I should read enough into what you say! Why entertain such possibilities when you love me enough to give me reasons not to?

She: It is okay if you misinterpret when that in fact is my intention. Otherwise I don’t want it.

Me: Weren’t we playing power games till now? Why spoil it by the last two statements of yours?

She: Power game, huh? Not spoiling it. What I meant is ‘ I say something that can be read in two ways, and you read it in a way I want you to, while I hide under the disguise of the other way-if that makes any sense to you!’

Me: I see. Don’t you think you are being too obvious now? “Huh?” doesn’t look like a nice expression. It is more like an Exclamation of disapproval which is intended to humiliate this boy! I take offense!

She: I didn’t know that we were playing any power game.

Me:  Really?

She: You have to. Well, I could say more, but I don’t want to. I don’t want to lose my competitive advantage now. Now that I know we are in a game!

Me: Stop all that. Now I am serious. Did I hurt you as much?

She: Should I be? Would you be if you were me?

Me: No. An unintentional remark may hurt me. It won’t make me hit back. An intentional one will. You have lost your competitive advantage the moment you started this power game I never play with you.

She: I see. So we were playing. I didn’t know. And I had no advantage to begin with. I feel a little daft. It will pass.

Me: What makes you feel so when you have dragged me into it? You shouldn’t!

She: I have dragged you into a game I didn’t know we were playing? I must be really screwed up to do that. I don’t think it to be true.

Me: I could have said that if you didn’t know, you would have at least asked what I mean. But, won’t that make me even more obvious? Won’t we get along well without explicit statements?

She: I am asking you now. When did this game begin? Would you believe me if I said I thought you were just exaggerating.

Me: Exaggeration is a relative term, isn’t it? It means an inaccurate perception which bloats up the objective facts. To bloat up, the facts must be objective. Otherwise it would be a misrepresentation. It would be outright falsehood. It would never be an exaggeration or overstatement.

She: Well, exaggeration of the objective fact that every relationship is a power game!

Me: One feels good when he feels that one’s words can hurt another, but it feels awful when a casual remark is enough for a power game. It feels even more awful when one thinks one meant to another only as much when-as much as I hate to say these dramatic words-he fears that his days are counted.

She: I understand what you are saying, but I can’t see how it applies to us

Me: Now I have trapped you in a situation, in which you can never admit that you understand, isn’t it? Not very smart of this boy! I won’t think low of you! If you know enough to play it, you know enough to know it without me stating it.

She: In what sense did you intend it?

Me: In the sense you have got it.

She: I haven’t got it. You think I have.

Me: Why do you underestimate me enough to think that I have underestimated you?

She: I am just going to go with your instincts then.

Me: My instincts? Not yours?

He: It feels like you are talking to me in cryptic.

Me: I had spared you till now.

She: Shanu, I am a little hurt now. Why don’t you tell me what is going on? I don’t like being confused. You usually are straight forward with me

Me: One is hurt by being confused?

She: Why are you different today? Why deny me the right to a straight forward answer? I am a little taken aback, and exasperated. My brain is hurt a little. Exertion injury! I haven’t used my mind this much in a while!

Me:  You don’t have to use your mind when you know well what I am up to. I am not a good judge enough to know your intentions, but it doesn’t make me feel a little bit better!

She: You talk to others this way?

Me: If they can get it. And deserves to get it!

She: I’ll take it as a complement

Me: The first is a compliment. The second depends on the kind of person you are. You decide!

She: I’ll take the first one. Second one I am suspicious of, because I don’t understand it. Hey, do you believe me when I say that!

Me: I do not know whom to believe and whom not to. Does saying that make me look naive and vulnerable enough now?

She: Whether or not I like it, I am in a game now!

Me: No one likes such games! One can like it only when done coldly. By this power game I am only taken aback and later amused.

She: Where does this leave us? Keeping the score?

Me: I feel no compulsion to keep scores now.

She: I don’t know what to say. Did I say anything to hurt you? It matters because I like you and I would not want to offend you if I can help it. Rather obvious?

Me: I could be even more obvious.

She: I hoped you would be straight forward, but you seem to think I am manipulating you.

Me: Have you ever felt I am not straight forward till this evening in all these years? No? Here I can believe you. With all honesty, I can only say that however weak and slow to grasp I am, I am strong enough to admit certain things.

She: I am getting a feeling that I am hurting you. A simple Yes or No and you would be doing me a big favor.

Me: There are many things I too didn’t want. I never ever wanted it.

She: I cannot make a sincere enough apology because I am truly lost. I can say one thing, I do not like hurting you one bit and it makes me feel terrible.

Me: Alright, my child. I don’t play like this for the sake of playing-given the time and person! I would like to give you something. I knew more about you today than in half a decade. That’s my gain. Now you can take your two cents.

She: I would hate to be in the dark. I mean I’ll be ready for it.

Me: I would like to think it is justified, and I hope to god it is, but I would like to give you something. If you may please close your eyes. Can I hold you close and kiss you?

She: Are you going to punch me after that?

Me: Why should I? I should give it to you in a much more intimate manner, but not for the usual reasons why such a kiss is given! However, I would like you to punch me, but not for the reason I would like to be punched by a girl!

She: Why else would you?

Me: Counter-pleasures! I gave the kiss hoping I am a poor learner. For once I wanted to be just that. Something I never ever wanted to be. You could grant me certain things. I can only say that if I am wrong, I still love you and have not lost the slightest bit of my respect for you! But, for once I stop.

She: You are never wrong. I think you are right, like you almost always are. So, then, why the kiss? You don’t love me or have any respect for me, but I get to keep a kiss. You tortured me for “God knows how long” and you ask me why it is annoying!

Me: You said I am right. So, why should it be annoying? Truth can hurt. Truth can enlighten. It can hardly annoy. Especially the truth one dare not admit to another.

She: I started by saying that I always think you are right, rational and can substantiate his claims. I am here because I believe that.

Me: Here I did anything but substantiate in any normal procedure of substantiation. You could have done it. I would be happy. And probably it can clear it up. I am out of the power game mood. I would like you to like me enough to grant me that. You could have not waited for me to substantiate in so twisted a manner. It could be done more explicitly, as it is clear to both of us that it is clear to each other.

She: Time to sleep? You are the one taking medication!

Me: Doesn’t matter.

She: Matters too.You know how to take the life out of me! Are you not sure of what you say?

Me: No one is fully sure of everything that he thinks. One can be fully sure that at least some of what he is fully sure of, could as well be wrong. Not that it applies here. And there are things one can’t be sure of even if it can’t be proven otherwise. As an attempt to prove it otherwise would be taken as enough proof! And an attempt not to, will also be taken that way if the other person is perceptive enough. So, one loses at outset.

She: I am not perceptive enough.

Me: Oh, is it? But is that enough of a statement? You have to include me too in that list for me to believe it. I was asking you to make the assumptions which would lead to the proof more intelligibly. Some things feel better than such games.

She: I can name many things that felt better than this. Getting drunk does, minus the hangover! My Tort Seminar too!

Me: Not interested in direct pleasures as sex and alcohol. I need a cover for such indulgence. And a rationalization! Now all that matters to me is that we should like each other. But it takes more than intellectual exertion.

She: You are amused? Are you pretending to be amused?

Me: I am amused. One can feel painfully amused. I don’t hide hurt, my dearest! I can deal with that! Without scruples you can tell me where you would like me to kiss you. You have never said and I have never asked you. I need it now. Be a girl for once. I never knew your sense of life and man well. But I knew that if it happens I can’t take it. Now it is time for you to fulfill your promise.

She: It is just that I feel a little bit more responsible when talking to you as I feel you take me more seriously

Me: I take people seriously, as complimentary as it might seem to them.

She: What about my sense of life and man?

Me:  It is the most I despise in a person, and yet I want to like you, and it makes me despise myself. How could I say it more openly? I have already lost all respect for myself. Not because I said it, but because I felt it. Why can’t you make me feel better by granting what I want? I have always told you that I ask and give it unemotionally. Now I am not. Please. Let me.

She: On my shoulder

Me: Kisses. Kisses inside your palms too!

She: You are generous today!

Me: Shoulders were the ones I enjoyed the most. A strange fetish!

She: Shanu, Why can’t you be simple?

Me: Were I not simple? Why don’t you ask the question to yourself? I have been much more open than you! I was not talking of kisses or your personal life. Or your deep feelings! I am kissing you Good Night! Sweet Dreams! Hope you won’t hold what I did to you against me! Grant me just that. Just like I won’t hold anything against you! Say yes.

She: I am sorry you feel that way. I cannot help as I am feeling very lost. Sleep tight. Go to bed now

Me: Sleeping!

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